My mind goes blank - I go blank

It is yet another night I fail to sleep at the normal time. I turn around my wrist to reveal the time in my watch - it’s 12:30 – not a late time at all for me. BUT since the people around me sleep at this time I feel awkward for me to be still awake. Well, even 12:30 isn’t exactly the time I go to bed. It’s something like 4 am in the morning when I feel the need to sleep, usually. Since I can’t find company in my house, I go over to the terrace to see any signs of light, to find anyone like me, who does not have the urge to sleep, and who I guess is haunted by questions that one cannot find a proper answer to every night. I fail and again I am lost in the twinkling of the countless stars that I can see from the terrace. And, further questions arise.

There are a lot of reasons why my mind wavers a lot at nights. Firstly, I fail to find anyone else around to amuse me. In the afternoons, there are people around, who you can watch and entertain yourself by looking at their actions. Or, sometimes there are your friends, who you go around with to different places and get fucked up with substances, chill and go around the streets trying to find beautiful girls with a hope that sometime a cute and hot and pretty girl falls in love with you, or at times with just a hope to get a glimpse of them. There’s nothing like that to do at nights. There’s porn but it’s not the same thing. So, what else do you have remaining to do? Studies – oh, it’s summer and I feel like studying now is not the best way to make use of the summer, even more so when you’ve paid money to come back to Nepal to chill. Getting drunk or high is not an acceptable thing to do at home in Nepal. In the end, I have nothing else to do, but to sit back and try thinking about things.

And, what do I think of? I fail to come up with a proper answer for this. I like thinking about my life, the lives of the people around me, the acts I did earlier in the day, or yesterday, or some weeks and years ago. I then realize that I’ve accomplished nothing. I still have a long way to go. Then I start thinking about accomplishments. I’m puzzled by this very notion of accomplishing. Is it earning money later when you graduate from college, or is it getting many accolades and coming up with things like Einstein did, or is it getting a hell lotta drunk and high and getting all the pussies you want? I do not have an answer. A better way to put that would be – I have so many answers that I fail to choose which one is the right one. Then, I am again confounded by my inability to label anything as right or wrong.

At this time I remember an incident in my high school. I had to write an essay for an exam and the question was something like – “Is democracy the best form of government?” At first glance, this seemed to be quite an easy question at the time. I jumped into the question, and started writing since I was confident that I could answer it as I had learnt a lot about the glorious lives of the Americans and then the miserable lives of people in communist states like North Korea. The real trouble started when I wrote a statement and happened to go over it as soon as I had written it.

“Democracy is the right way to run the affairs of the state.”

This sentence turned out to be my worst nightmare. When I went over it again, I started questioning myself about what I had written. How could I ever write something was right when I’m not even sure what is right? Then I moved on to WHAT’S RIGHT? I failed to get any answers from this piece of shit that my skull protects, but from somewhere around my forehead a few drops of sweat fell down on the paper I was writing on. That was when I realized that I was sweating like crazy. Suddenly I could feel the redness growing on my face and I look around and find that people have already finished one out of the two essays they’re supposed to write. I look back at mine. Two paragraphs – with the second one incomplete – that’s all I have. After some period of trying to rewrite, and then again rewrite, and failing at all my attempts miserably, I decide to quit. First time in my life I fail in a subject – one in which it’s real hard for anyone with an ability to put a few English sentences together to fail.

I realize my perspective of things has not grown in any way from what it was during my high school years. I feel that I might live my life for as long as I live up to, but still then I wouldn’t have any knowledge about right and wrong, or about any other questions that I can muster up. There are answers at times, but as I wrote earlier, there are so many answers you realize that you can’t distinguish the right answer. Then the problem of right and wrong creeps in again, and I’ve can’t go anywhere in my thoughts. My mind goes blank – I am blank.

That’s it for now. But as I am trying to end this not I suddenly have a nebulous view of what I want – I want to have things, such that, I do not ever have the possibility of losing them. I want to have nothing with me, nothing beside me, so that I do not have to worry about anything. But as I write, humans do not only want to lose, but also to gain. There must be something, anything I want to gain. Now I’ve to think whether the want to have nothing is a want to gain something. I feel that it is - Wanting nothing is wanting freedom. I want that freedom; I know not if I’ll ever get it.